Ed and Eddy Do: Eurovision 2014
by elejamie
Summary: After a long hiatus, Ed and Eddy return to their show to cover this year's Eurovision Song Contest, much to the dismay of their long-suffering cameraman Edd. Rated T for violence and the odd swear word (both in English and in a foreign language).
1. Chapter 1: The First Semi-Final

Ed and Eddy do: Eurovision 2014

Chapter 1: The First Semi-Final

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy but, if I did, expect the [hypothetical] sequel show to be something like this. I don't own Eurovision (I don't even know if it's possible to "own" it in the proper sense), just to let anyone reading this know. Also, most of the opinions in this story are mine, but I mean no ill will towards the contestants, who I think did a good job representing their country (except for Georgia. No offence, but your entry this year was crap. Oh well, there's always next year), so think of it more as friendly ribbing. Either way, please let me know if I've crossed a line.

A/N: I know I should've uploaded this about a week ago, but, due to some computer problems, I couldn't get onto the internet. It's sorted now, as you can probably tell. My Edd/Marie story will still be coming, I'm just gonna work on this first; that can wait, this can't. Also, try not to re-enact any of the stunts featured in this story; not only are the Eds trained stunt cartoon characters, but they've also been to space (twice!) with no helmets, so being hit by things you probably won't survive being hit by is the least of their concerns. Anyways, onto the story!

* * *

Silhouettes of Ed and Eddy are shown across a half dimmed room, which looked abandoned and disused. As in nearly everything was rusted, covered with cobwebs, broken or some combination of the three. Paint was starting to peel off the walls, exposing the brickwork underneath After about half a minute of Edd fiddling with the lightbox, the lights turned on, and the duo welcome their audience.

'We're rolling.' Edd instructed them to start.

'I'm Ed.' Ed began.

'And I'm Eddy.' Eddy concluded before adding 'And, after three and a half years, we're back, bitches!'

'Great, Eddy.' Edd snarked. 'Can we do it again, but without the profanity?'

'Whatever.'

* * *

Edd re-dimmed the lights to how they were before. When he felt everything was right, he turned the light back on and then said 'We're rolling. Again.'

'I'm Ed.'

'And I'm Eddy. And, after three and a half years, we're back!'

'That's much better.' Edd said, relieved.

About a second later, Eddy said 'Bit-'

* * *

Before Eddy could finish his word, the opening credits began, which was basically a montage. With some cheesy chat show-esque music being played in the background, several pictures of Ed and Eddy rolled by. One of them was a picture of them talking to a Steve Irwin expy; whereas another was a silent clip of them chatting to a group of people. It ended with a picture of Ed, and Eddy, back to back, although Eddy was standing on a stool to make him seem taller. After the credits were over, we then cut to Ed and Eddy, sitting on their partially rusted chairs, looking bored.

Edd fixed the camera on them for about 10 seconds, hoping for them to notice that the credits were over. When he realised they weren't, he cleared his throat. No reaction. He then picked up a faded grey metal dustbin - which was missing its lid - and tried throwing it at them. Unfortunately, he let out a pathetic grunt and the bin flew 1mm in the air before rolling harmlessly towards Ed's feet. 'That's not how you do it, Double D!'

Ed then picked up the bin and lobbed it at the camera, causing it and Edd to fall over backwards. The camera then turned to its side, filming the bin rolling away. 'Rutabaga and sarsaparilla sandwiches sound delightful, mother...' Edd said before he got up, dusted himself off and put the camera back upright.

'Right, so what are we doing here?' Eddy asked, slightly angry from being woken up from his bored trance.

'We are taking a look at the Eurovision Song Contest.' Edd answered.

'We did that years ago!'

'True, but that was for the 2009 contest. Today, we are going to look at this year's contest.'

'Goody.' Ed and Eddy said in unison, although Ed was more optimistic whereas Eddy was more bitter.

'So let's get started, shall we gents?' Edd started the show. 'First up, we have Armenia.'

'It was OK.' Ed said.

'Yes mtatsets'i, vor shat lav e, yst eut'yan.' Eddy said. Ed and presumably Edd looked at him, wondering if he can really speak Armenian or just looked it up on Google Translate. 'What? I'm 1/8th Armenian.'

'Right...' Edd said slowly as he was trying to come up with a way to change the topic, rather than press Eddy for more details. 'And next up, we have the Latvian entry, Cake to Bake.'

'The cake is a lie!' Ed giggled. 'I used to be a baker like you but then I took an arrow to the knee!' Ed laughed, whilst Eddy started to get angry. 'Wow, much sing, very bake!' Ed chortled, as he tried coming up with more memes he liked. 'But dad, I don't want to bake a cake... I don't care!'

At that point, Eddy grabbed an unopened bucket of paint and started whacking Ed with it, yelling 'STOP! BEING! UNFUNNY!' Edd decided not to intervene, as he didn't want to be on the receiving end by mistake. After a couple of seconds, Eddy stopped and threw the bucket aside, having cooled off. Ed fell forwards and onto the floor. When he got up and sat back down on the chair, the bruises and that on his face mysteriously disappeared.

'Moving on before we have to call in Eddy Control...' Edd tired as quickly as he can to change the subject. 'What about Estonia?'

'If Elliot from Scrubs and Kari from Mythbusters somehow had a kid...' Eddy said with a big smile on his face.

'Don't think too hard about that, Eddy.' Edd warned.

'I can and will.' Eddy retorted before closing his eyes, still smiling.

'But was the song any good?'

'Huh? Yeah, sure, whatever.'

'I liked it too.' Ed added.

'Alright, next up is Sweden, who hosted the contest last year. And a magnificent job they did too.'

'I'll rescue you from your laser prison!' Ed got up and started running to the door.

'Ed! Wait! Come back!' Edd yelled as he ran away from the camera, whereas Eddy - still with his eyes closed - grabbed a box of popcorn and started eating it.

A couple of days and a few thousand dollars of plane tickets to Denmark and back later, Ed - who was wearing a t-shirt reading "Jeg Elsker Danmark" underneath his regular jacket - sat down and Edd stood behind the camera. Eddy, on the other hand, walked in from off-screen and sat back down, wondering where the hell they were and why the hell they didn't help him with his latest scam. 'What's with you guys?'

'It's a long story, Eddy.' Edd didn't want to explain. 'But, before Father notices the huge bill we've accumulated, shall we go to the next country? Which happens to be Iceland.'

'Yeah, we better.' Eddy replied.

'It was cool.' Ed said, commenting on the song as he was adjusting himself on his chair.

'Yeah, it wasn't bad. A bit messed up, but still good. Like the Wiggles on our En-O-Gee drinks.'

'Alright. How about Albania?' Before Ed and Eddy said anything, Edd quickly added 'And before you say anything: The Simpsons have already done that joke.'

'What joke?'

'Never mind. But let's not get sidetracked. How was the song?'

'Not too bad, I guess.' Eddy answered, with Ed nodding (as much as he can with no chin) in agreement.

'Russia?'

'I don't see why it got booed. I thought it was good.'

'Maybe they were going Boo-urns?' Ed made an attempt to put two and two together.

'Yeah!' Eddy exclaimed before realising it was a bad idea. 'No, it's because of some things over there.'

'And, rather than get hate mail from abroad, I'm just going to announce the next country: Azerbaijan.' Edd announced. 'Also, I should let you know that we're halfway through the list of entrants for the first semi-final.'

'Cool. Song was OK, I guess. Ed probably agrees. Next country?'

'Ukraine.'

'More man-hamsters? It's like something out of one of Lumpy's comics.' Eddy complained a little. 'At least they ain't Roman. Plus the song was kinda cool.'

'Same here.' Ed nodded in agreement.

'What about Belgium?'

'Language, Double D!' Ed waved his finger back and forth, aware that Edd had said the rudest word in the universe.

'But...'

'Don't ask, Sockhead.' Eddy interjected. ''

'If Norman Bates put on weight, put on a tux and took up shouty singing...' Ed said, although he wasn't clear on whether or not he liked it.

'Come, now, Ed. It's a touching ode to his mother. Who wouldn't like that?' Ed and Eddy then glared at the camera, although Ed had to put a pebble in his shoe to do so. 'I stand corrected.'

Eddy, remembering last time, quickly took Ed's shoe off - holding his nose and keeping his mouth closed tight so he wouldn't breathe in the foul odour - and held it upside down so the pebble would just drop out. 'What about mouldy fur?' He then asked.

'Moldova.' Edd corrected.

'I didn't like it.' Ed bluntly stated.

'Nah, neither did I.' Eddy said. 'From what I heard, apparently she has no feelings for Nursie. And some guy named Dustin has left her feel empty in her heart and her spleen. I take it she don't like Blackadder and that Irish turkey, then.'

'Damo Suzuki 2.0.' Edd slyly snarked. 'At one point, I expected her to go "Hey you! You're losing, you're losing, you're losing, you're losing your Vitamin C."' He then felt a bit guilty about saying that because of how out of character it was. 'Moving on. San Marino?'

'If they didn't get through, then next year's song would've been called "Let Us Through Or We'll Keep Sending Her". Or, as it is in Sand Marinade or whatever it's called...'

'"Let-a Us-a Through-a Or-a We A-keep A-sendin-a Her-a".' Ed said in the worst Italian accent possible.

'Saying that, Eurovision 2058 and San Marino would still be sending her. But it'd be like Weekend at Bernie's... And then one of the arms comes off.' Ed and Eddy then started to laugh incredibly hard. Before Edd could call them out, Ed laughed so hard that he stretched one of his arms out and whacked Eddy in one of his eyes, causing him to fall off his chair and whack his head on a paint can. 'I'm alright.' He tried getting up but then he hit his head on the can again. 'I'm not alright.'

'I'll help you, Eddy!' Ed then grabbed Eddy by the shirt collar and put him down on the chair.

'Thanks, Lumpy.' Eddy then gave Ed an affectionate pat on the back.

'What about Portugal?'

''What about it? Eddy asked, partially because he wasn't paying attention and partially because he wanted to do that joke.

'What did you think of their entry?'

'Wasn't too bad,'

'Next up, we have The Netherlands, which won the first semi-final.'

'Thanks, Captain Obvious.' Eddy snarked. 'But yeah, it was pretty good. One of the few country songs to not suck.'

'Yeah.' Ed added on at the end. 'What's next?'

'Montenegro?'

'Where's that?' Ed asked.

'Somewhere in Mexico, I think. But then what the hell would they be doing at Eurovision?'

'Good point.' Ed said as if he and Eddy were having a serious discussion.

'It's actually in Europe. The Balkans, to be precise. Where Niko Bellic came from. Granted, he was actually from Serbia, another country from that region, but-'

'We get it.' Eddy interrupted. 'Song wasn't good anyways. Next.'

'And finally, we have Hungary.'

'Wasn't too bad.'

'Same here.'

'Any more?' Eddy asked.

'No, that's it, Eddy. We've gone through the list of entries for the first Eurovision semi-final. Besides, didn't you hear me say "finally"?'

'No.' He replied. Edd let out a brief derisive groan. 'Still, we've made it through that. How many places left?'

'About 21 more; 15 from the second semi-final, the Big Five - consisting of the United Kingdom, France, Germany, Spain and Italy - and the hosts, Denmark.'

Eddy let out a weary sigh. 'Alright, enjoy these messages kids. Ed and Eddy will be back with part two.'

'See you after the break!' Ed got up and waved at the camera, knocking it over again. ''Whoops.'

* * *

A/N: Hopefully I should have more material here, seeing as this year's contest was a vast improvement over 2009's. For a start, there were less ballads.

But yeah, next up will be the second semi-final, with the final being covered in the third and final chapter. If you want to check out the entries for yourself, then just do a quick YouTube (or other video sharing website) search for "eurovision 2014 recap" (preferably without quotation marks), which should bring up the list of entries, plus a brief snippet of their songs. After I've finished writing this, I'll be working on a new story (as I've mentioned in the opening author's note). So, until then, take care.

P.S. Feel free to correct me if I end up mangling your language in this story. Even when it's intentional, just type the proper translation (or transliteration) in a review or PM or wherever. If it's intentional (like with Eddy apparently speaking Armenian), then it'll be left as is, but if it isn't, then the right one will be put up.


	2. Chapter 2: The Second Semi-Final

Ed and Eddy Do: Eurovision 2014

Chapter 2: The Second Semi-Final

A/N: Before I start the A/N proper, I would just like to thank BarthVader for helping me with a bit of Polish in this story. Feel free to correct me if I've gotten any of it wrong.

So here we are. The second semi-final. Not much I can say here, so let's just get back to the story, shall we?

* * *

It was after the break. Ed was still wearing that Jeg Elsker Danmark shirt from the previous chapter, whereas Eddy was still in his usual clothes. 'And we're back in 3... 2...' Edd said from behind the camera.

'Welcome back to Ed and Eddy Do: Eurovision 2014.' Eddy said. 'And you know what this reminds me of?'

'What?' Ed asked.

'Brass Eye. Except that was funnier.'

'Did they catch that guy dressed as a school?' Ed asked.

'No.' Edd bluntly replied. 'It was all fictional.'

'Aw.' Ed complained.

'So what do we do now?'

'This time, we're analysing the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest. Let us - as they say - "kick things off" with Malta.'

'It was OK.' Eddy said.

'Yeah.' Ed agreed.

'Next up is the Israeli entry.''

'Her name is Mei Finegold, right?'

'Yes it is.' Edd replied. 'Why do you ask?'

'It fits, doesn't it?' Eddy started getting that look again. 'She's definitely fine.'

'Ed-' Edd was about to call Eddy out, but then decided against it. 'Oh, what's the use? Next up is Norway.'

'It was OK, I guess.'

'Same.' Ed said. 'A silent storm is like a quiet riot, right?'

'Yeah, sure, whatever.' Eddy said, clearly uninterested in what Ed was saying.

'Next up is the Georgian entry.'

'They just didn't care, did they?' Eddy said, wearily. 'A bit like the "custume" designer from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Or a f[BEEP]ing cactus falling in love with a hunk of wood.' Edd was able to censor Eddy at the right moment by literally shouting "beep" at the right moment.

'Or The Hunger Games!' Ed blurted out as if he was controlled by some other being. Eddy looked at him weirdly, as did Edd, who had walked onto the set just to do that. Even Ed was unsure about what he said, so he followed it with 'Er... I mean buttered toast!' A goofy yet nervous grin then appeared on his face.

'That's what I thought you said?' Eddy was confused before going back to what he was saying. 'I bet whoever's in charge got drunk and went "Let's send these guys! We don't want the contest to come to Atlanta or wherever."'

'A tad harsh, don't you think Eddy?' Edd was a little bit concerned, to the point where he ignored his friend's geography mistake.

'They'll live.' Eddy brushed it aside. 'Anyhoo, what's next?'

'Next up is the Polish entry.'

'It was a good song.' Eddy leant back a little bit. 'Don't believe me? Let's ask our Polish corners fondant.'

'Correspondent.'

'Whatever.'

Over in Wroclaw, we cut to a man - with hair that was either a light black, an incredibly dark brown or some combination of the two, plus a fair amount of stubble - typing on a computer. He then looked to his left to grab something, but noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He ignored it at first but then he quickly glanced at it again to find out it was a camera. He then looked at it and angrily asked it 'Co ty kurwa tutaj robisz? Wypierdalaj!' He then picked the camera up, opened the door and threw it out, slamming the door behind him and shouting 'Kurwa mac!'

Back in Peach Creek, Eddy pretended to wipe a tear away, saying 'Beautiful language, eh Chode-y?'

'Chudy.' Edd corrected him.

'Hey, I've only seen it written down.'

'Touché.' Edd conceded defeat.

'You're a touché.'

'I'm not even going to comment on that.' Edd said before announcing the next country. 'Following that is Austria, who won both this semi-final and this year's contest.'

'It was good.' Ed nodded.

'Yeah. The next Bond movie should be called Rise Like a Phoenix, just so they don't have to spend money on a new song. And then there's the adult one, Rise Like a Pe-'

'Lithuania!' Edd interrupted, which might've seemed out of character even though he had a good reason to. 'What was their song like?'

'We are the winners of Eurovision!' Ed started singing.

'Wrong year, Lummox!' Eddy grabbed onto Ed's arm and yanked it downwards. He was trying to make Ed sit back down but instead he ended up falling through his chair. 'Little help?' At that point the legs of the chair started cracking, with Eddy still stuck in the seat visibly worried.

Edd then grabbed a Technical Difficulties card and placed it in front of the camera, held on with sticky tape. On it was a lousy drawing of Ed sitting down on his chair, whereas Eddy's about to hit him with a broken bottle. Little did the Eddy drawing know that a stage light was about to fall on him. All of this was going on whilst a drawing of Edd was behind the camera - with some reel sticking out of the side - facepalming at what was going on. Behind the card were the trio grunting at they were trying to get Eddy out of the chair he was stuck in

About a minute and a half after the chair broke, Edd took the card off of the camera and revealed that Eddy was still trapped. 'We do apologise for the situation, folks, but we cannot seem to get our host out of the chair. Despite this... rather unfortunate accident... the show will continue regardless.'

'In other words, I'm stuck here and we're still gonna keep filming.' Eddy summed it up, his knees level to his face. 'So yeah, where were we?'

'Lithuania.'

'We are the-' Ed started singing again.

'Can it, Lumpy.' Eddy managed to get Ed to stop. 'The song wasn't too bad.'

'Same here.'

'Alright, next is Finland. '

'The music wasn't bad, but the vocals could've been a little bit better.' Eddy said.

'Yeah. More like Someone Better... For singing! Am I right?' Ed asked jokingly.

'No, not really.' Eddy replied. 'But yeah, give it to Muse or Kings of Leon or whoever, they might do a good job of it'

'How about Ireland?'

'I liked it.'

'Me too.'

'Nothing else to say about it?' Ed and Eddy shook their heads. 'Alright, then. Next up is Belarus.'

'Kinda looks like Robin Thicke got bored of music, grabbed some guys and took up bank robbing.' Ed explained. 'But they needed an a libby so they entered the Eurovision.'

'That...' Eddy was slightly confused about what Ed said. 'Kinda made sense. Song was good too.'

'Rather than dwell on what Ed said, shall we move onto the next entry?' Edd asked.

'Yeah.' Eddy said.

'Alright, then. Next up we have the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.'

'It wasn't bad. I kinda liked that, er...' Eddy paused. 'What was her name? Tidge-anna?'

'Tijana'

'Tin armour?'

'Tijana.'

'Tijuana?' Eddy said, making it clear that he's actually trolling, although for some reason Edd isn't spotting this.

'Tijana.'

'Pink?'

'Close enough.' Edd just wanted this to be over with so he can announce the next song.

'I liked tinned tuna.' Ed said, trying to join in but he was shot down by Edd.

'Moving on.' Edd said. 'Switzerland.'

'I liked the whistling.' Ed smiled before he attempted to whistle.

'Hey, that looks like fun.' Eddy then joined in. Unfortunately, neither of them could whistle very well; they sounded like they were blowing air out of their mouths - which was what they were doing.

At that point, Edd joined in - mostly because there was nothing to do and mostly because he wanted them to hurry up and continue with the show - and let out a belter of a whistle. It wasn't enough to get Eddy out of his chair, but it did cause a stagelight to fall... onto Ed's head. Rather than bouncing off harmlessly [and landing much less harmlessly onto Eddy], it ended up covering Ed's head. 'Oh my.' Edd said, embarrassed.

'Glassy!' Ed said before doing his usual goofy laugh.

Edd then ran onto the stage, his face going a lighter shade of red until it was back to normal, and placed his hands onto the light. After counting to three, he placed his hands onto the light and lifted it off Ed's head, although it was clear he was having trouble lifting it. The top of his head was covered with ash and bits of tungsten, whereas his hair stood up as far and as wide as it could go without each follicle touching each other. Edd managed to move it away from Ed's head, but ended up dropping it onto his own foot. It then landed behind Ed's chair He clutched his foot and started hopping back to the camera shouting. 'Ow! Darn it!'

After about 5 minutes, Edd walked on stage, dragging along a big shoe full of ice on his left foot. At that point, Ed's hear was surprisingly clean and his hair was back to normal. 'So what's next?' Eddy asked.

'Greece.'

'It was OK.' Eddy said. 'Not as good as their last entries, though. WAY better than Georgia, though.'

'Yeah.' Ed agreed.

'Slovenia?' Edd asked what they thought of the song.

'She's the Flute Professor Gone Bad, right?'

'Yes...' Edd replied, not liking where this is going.

'I know what she can do with that flute...' Eddy smirked

'Eddy!' Edd yelled, shocked by what was said. 'This is no time for innuendo!'

'But I'm saying she's good at her fin-'

'Eddy.' Edd warned, sotto voce.

'Fine!' Eddy conceded defeat, waving his arm as high as he could, ignoring a slightly creaking sound coming from his chair. 'Song wasn't that good either. Next!'

'And finally we have Romania.'

'It was OK.' Ed said. 'Made me hungry for doughnuts.'

'Can't imagine why.' Eddy sarcastically responded.

'And there we have it.' Edd clapped his hands together, albeit by accident. 'That's the second semi-final covered.'

'Yeah, so join us after the break when we're doing the... third semi?'

'There are only two semi-finals, Eddy. Afterwards, it's the final. Or, in our case, we cover the Big Five plus the host nation.'

'Alright, alright. OK. And hopefully I'll be out of this damn ch-' At that point, the chair legs finally snapped and it collapsed in on itself. Eddy landed on the floor, still wedged in his seat. 'Little help?' Edd sighed before turning off the camera, realising that it was going to be one of those days.

* * *

A/N: That's the semi-finals done. As I've probably said, the next chapter might be a little bit shorter due to there being less songs, but hopefully it'll turn out alright in the end.

Also, I would like to apologise to any Georgians (Georgia the country and not Georgia the state), especially The Shin and Mariko, who were this year's entrants; I know you were trying to mix plenty of styles and that into a [less than] 3-minute song, but it just ended up sounding all over the place, which was probably why it came last. Lyrically, it wasn't bad (I'll give you that), and the singing was alright I guess, but apart from that... Normally, I'd be into avant-garde, but it just didn't really work here. Still, there's always next time, so don't get too down-hearted.


End file.
